Always with us

This is a picture of Jessica that was uploaded into the Facebook group of Jessica, I decided to bring it here for those that are not in the Facebook. As I see her picture I can only think that one is not where the body is but where one is missed the most. I miss Jessica everyday that's how I know she is all the time with me.

long nights

Honey..
Can't sleep again..after almost a whole bottle of wine...nothing...it used to work..
I have probably said this way too much...but you never asked me for anything...never...why was not I there for you?..what can I do for you now?..I know these words came too late...

my hope under siege

Someone told me months ago, that at least, you know now what comes after all of this; the question, unanswerable for us, of what is awaiting after life, is a certainty for you now….What is it honey? Is there really a heaven?
I now see so many good reasons in being such a believer…for the time being...I want to believe that whatever it is, it could not be worse than what we see on earth..and if that is true then it is true to say we leave this world to rest…the world is a hopeless place my Jessica. The way you were taken from us is evidence of that…
I guess you would be saying Ivonne stop it!! and asking me why am I so tragic and dramatic all the time!…and that instead, I should be enjoying what life gave me. I do enjoy life and I am very conscious on how lucky I am…but that does not mean I don’t think life is painfully unfair.
I did not want to start on all the problems my country has but...I just heard the government defined that 2 million of Colombians, who represent the poorest sector, will make only $497.000 pesos monthly this year (approximately 250 dollars!!), I wonder how they make a living out of such a misery, the saddest part is that those are the lucky ones that got a job: 10% of Colombians do not receive a formal salary and have what the government calls “informal” jobs meaning…they work by themselves selling whatever they can on the streets…it is sad, very sad…and God only knows whether that figure (the unemployment percentage) is true or not….the DANE (the national statistics department) was found to be lying on this government figures not so long ago…so probably the real figure is worse than 10%.

That’s only one part..let’s don’t talk on murders, kidnapping and impunity...I don't have a reason to believe that we are the only ones with such problems...(I'm thinking of Mexico), Colombia is only the case I know the best…but people keeps killing each other every where...I can only pray that someday..hopefully soon.. Israel and the US will stop and think again what they are doing in Gaza.
I don't pretend in making your blog a political debate..I just needed to vent this..I keep losing faith..or what the non believers call hope.
Last night I wake up in the middle of night and was you the first thing that came into my mind…I could had been dreaming about you…I used to have beautiful dreams and used to remember them…for some reason I can’t do that anymore…

Eternity by William Blake

I was reading your beloved T.S. Elliot tonight..and somehow
I ended up stumbling on to my beloved William Blake,
who wrote this:

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity’s sun rise.

It reads like if it was made for you.

My Jessica
I thought about coming to write on your blog the day before christmas or on our christmas day here or even this morning. I wanted to write something for your family..I wanted to have some words for them on these days...I thought I would let them know this is not a happy christmas for me either, and that I shared their sadness. I also thought I would tell them that I keep attached to my memories with you, and that, that is my way to forget about your absence for a minute or two..because when I think about the present or about the uncertainty of the future I lose my strength...I thought many times about logging in, but everytime I lost the impulse because I knew words would not be enough..and that I have probably said too much..without helping enough.. Many of your friends have written to me beautiful things encouraging me to keep writing here; I feel really glad of knowing my words are helping them..however, in spite of their words and as much I am committed to keep your legacy on this earth, I cant avoid thinking..I am making things worse for them, for your family and for everyone else that knew you and that perhaps..being really honest..this blog is just a selfish exercise to avoid letting you go. I wish I could know what would you liked...and I could be sure you had wanted me to keep your name and your memory out there..but knowing you as I knew you..sometimes I doubt you would. I dont know Jessica..maybe I should not doubt about writing here...but I am pesimistic these days.

Even though I came back from NOLA much more confident, I was counting the days for this year to finish...not because I think dates really matter...but just as an excuse, like someone that cant wait to begin writing on a fake blank page...my optimism was weak and subtle but I was holding tight...until Tuesday night when a guy stole my purse..leaving me with nothing..feeling completely violated..I am not sad because of the stuff I lost...fortunately my family supported me with some of their Christmas presents...although I am going to miss my camara and some time will have to go until I can have the money to buy a new one..I am sad because the whole incident left me feeling weak, vulnerable, and afraid. I know you would understand how I feel, I can only hope that my camara and my purse had meant a happier christmas to someone less fortunate than me.
I miss you honey...and I know I am not alone in that..many others are missing you too..they have left me know they do... many Colombians are missing their loved ones too: soldiers and civilians that have been kidnapped for as many as 10 years...I am sorry for all them, they have been in my thoughts together with your family on the holidays, and I can only send them strength and hope.

...

I took this picture at Jessica's, I remember Cassie was there when I arrived that night, I also remember we drunk beers and talked (and complained!) about our never-ending subject.... This flower was Jessica's new "thing" that week, she always amazed us by having beautiful new plants around her house...this flower was so beautiful that I could not believe it was real!!

After four months it is still hard for me to realize you are not here. People might be tired sick of hearing me (reading me) saying that, but..God!....if they only knew what you were for me...
I am home now and I can't help myself remembering the plans we had made about you coming to visit my country, I remember how excited you were when I told you my parents did not speak English..you liked the challenge! haha!, I also remember promising I would take you to see the Andes and the top of their mountains, the only places we have snow here...I promised, I would take you to the beach too and that I would cook delicious Colombian meals just for you. You were going to be my field "assistant" too, when I thought about studying Catasticta, those butterflies that lay their eggs on epiphytes at the top of tall trees in the cloud forest of the Andes...I remember how much we dreamt on spending weeks in the forest, watching all kinds of insects and plants..

I am planning in working in my Mardi Grass costume here, my mom is going to help me, since my sewing skills are basically none! haha. You know I never had the time or the "mood" of involving myself into a real Mardi Grass experience but next year it will be different..I want you to be proud of me wherever you are......I bet though, you can tell I've done many stupid things since you've been gone...but also you know how hard I am with myself...so please believe... I did all of that in trying to be truly faithful to who I am....just like you always were...if you just could known how many beautiful people you left in my way...you may understand my reasons better....I have put myself into so many wonderful experiences..you probably would not recognized me..ha!.

You always had beautiful words for me.....now I'm missing hearing them....I'm missing the calls, the emails, the text messages...even though you hated me for having "infected" you with all that cell phones tech...I know I am definitely a better person because I met you, and due to all the teachings you left in me...I am sure meeting you was the most wonderful thing I had in my life.

I wish I could fool myself and believe the emptiness and sadness are going to disappear whenever we find out who did this to you....I can't....I know nothing will bring you back...my anger growths as I think this person lives a normal life..and enjoys everyday moments he/she avoided us of enjoying with you... I am tired of waiting...I hate seeing days go....it pisses me off thinking people might have already forgotten about you..and, that they might believe you are just a number...just one more of some many killed in NOLA on 2008...I feel anger when I think again how unfair all of this is, because you did not deserve this, neither your family nor us. your absence is such a loss for me, and I know this pain will be my heart forever..

Thinking about you

Jessica, Jessa and me at the French Quarter festival, 2008.

and still wondering why...