Thursday, December 25, 2008

My Jessica
I thought about coming to write on your blog the day before christmas or on our christmas day here or even this morning. I wanted to write something for your family..I wanted to have some words for them on these days...I thought I would let them know this is not a happy christmas for me either, and that I shared their sadness. I also thought I would tell them that I keep attached to my memories with you, and that, that is my way to forget about your absence for a minute or two..because when I think about the present or about the uncertainty of the future I lose my strength...I thought many times about logging in, but everytime I lost the impulse because I knew words would not be enough..and that I have probably said too much..without helping enough.. Many of your friends have written to me beautiful things encouraging me to keep writing here; I feel really glad of knowing my words are helping them..however, in spite of their words and as much I am committed to keep your legacy on this earth, I cant avoid thinking..I am making things worse for them, for your family and for everyone else that knew you and that perhaps..being really honest..this blog is just a selfish exercise to avoid letting you go. I wish I could know what would you liked...and I could be sure you had wanted me to keep your name and your memory out there..but knowing you as I knew you..sometimes I doubt you would. I dont know Jessica..maybe I should not doubt about writing here...but I am pesimistic these days.

Even though I came back from NOLA much more confident, I was counting the days for this year to finish...not because I think dates really matter...but just as an excuse, like someone that cant wait to begin writing on a fake blank optimism was weak and subtle but I was holding tight...until Tuesday night when a guy stole my purse..leaving me with nothing..feeling completely violated..I am not sad because of the stuff I lost...fortunately my family supported me with some of their Christmas presents...although I am going to miss my camara and some time will have to go until I can have the money to buy a new one..I am sad because the whole incident left me feeling weak, vulnerable, and afraid. I know you would understand how I feel, I can only hope that my camara and my purse had meant a happier christmas to someone less fortunate than me.
I miss you honey...and I know I am not alone in that..many others are missing you too..they have left me know they do... many Colombians are missing their loved ones too: soldiers and civilians that have been kidnapped for as many as 10 years...I am sorry for all them, they have been in my thoughts together with your family on the holidays, and I can only send them strength and hope.

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